Doubt & Responsibility
Jenna on 06 11, 2010
Today was such a stressful day. Actually, maybe calling it as an “intense” day would be a better way to describe it, because I wasn’t actually stressed because of any drama at work. I just felt completely exhausted by using my brain too much and running around all those meetings.
Sometimes, a day like today, when I have to make a lot of decisions or providing my input/opinions, I tend to feel completely exhausted.
Maybe it’s the combination of too much talking, heavy use of brain, or simply just from the fear of making bad decisions.
- What if I am wrong?
- What if I am actually leading the team to a wrong direction?
- What if my idea is not actually a good idea?
- What if I am actually confusing the team rather than helping them?
- What if I am actually very stupid?
- What if….. what I am doing is not actually what I am good at, and I am about to find out in 10 years when it’s too late to make any changes?
- I want to be helpful
- I want to be useful
- I want to be knowledgeable
- Most of all, I want to be good at something so I can be proud of myself and to feel that I have used my ability and talent in some meaningful way.
It’s quite overwhelming thinking about the strategy or solution I am going to recommend next week, will impact how we are going to spend all the project budget (the money which all came from customer’s pockets – which meaning just a regular person like me), and will influence the client’s business. Maybe that’s why for a long time I was refusing to grow up and take more responsibilities.
Suddenly… I really miss my parents and sisters. I guess I am missing the feeling of just being a little girl, where I can have the feeling that I am protected and I don’t need to make any big decisions, and there won’t be anybody who will blame me for making bad decisions….